I want to be my own HERO

According to Michael, the idea of heroism is pushing the limits, challenging the frontier of the unknown, and doing it because you can. It is not being satisfied with what you are given because that is what you have, but being satisfied knowing that you have done your best and have achieved what you have obtained. I want to disturb the everyday status quo and make what I choose out of life. Not to take circumstances for granted, but I want to enact my beliefs and live the life I define, not that which has been give to me.

I love the idea of showing other people what they can do and challenging them to push past their contented static lifestyle, but I want to do that for myself before I begin to help others. I want to challenge the ordinary and question the norm because I can imagine making a difference.

But what does this entail for me? What does this mean I should do right now? That is half of the problem. I need to both acknowledge a domain for change and act on that conviction. So where do I go from here? I am already on my way, having begun these writings and brought my convictions to consciousness, but that's not all. I want to take the small opportunities I have and devote myself to the goal, rather than succumb to apathy.

So I will finish math problems, study more than enough for tests, share my ideas in class, and offer my help beyond the classroom. I want to set goals to start new projects in my writings, manage my free time and make it productive.

I want to feel as if I grasped each day and lived it to its fullest potential. Bring on life. That is heroic.

I Feel, Therefore I AM

I was riding the bus back to school when this idea popped into my head. I don't exactly know where it came from, but I do know that I was experiencing a realm of emotions at the time; and I was loving it. I realize that all too often we believe that what makes us different, what makes humans unique, is our capacity for knowledge. I would ague that isn't all that unique. I mean, if you think about it, if everyone used logic perfectly and never let emotions invade their thinking, everyone would always come up with just about the same answer as everyone else. The only variance would be in what information went into making the logic flow. Rationality is just a process, and if used properly, it has nothing unique, nothing that can differentiate between people; and that is why it is so often considered to be so great. It is designed to allow multiple people to come up with the same answer. Computers can do that.

But emotions are unique. They are different to everyone. Not only does the same situation evoke different emotions in different people, but even the same emotion can evoke different responses within different individuals. And I LOVE that. It is the presence of emotions, passions, and spirits that drive people and make the world what it is we see today. 

If there were nothing to be had but logic, then life would be nothing but a string of events that inherently dictate the succeeding step in every case. To every input there is an output. It would make machines of us, because we would have no drives but those of logic. And even in a world where science conquers over disbelief, I would hate to live there. I would hate to follow the strategically structured routine and have no drive but that of rational advancement, but I wouldn’t know any better. There would be no art, because there have to be more efficient ways of making people happy or of expressing oneself, and there never would be any emotions to express through the nonexistent medium. Even happiness could be thrown out the window if it wasn't necessary to promote a fluid work-flow.

That is a terrifying thought. I would rather be unhappy at times than never to be able to feel energetic, to feel passionate. I want to be hurt so I can feel alive, because what is life if it isn't being alive? And what can constitute a desire if there is no basis for comparison that makes one alternative better than another? Sadness makes joy all that more powerful. And loneliness makes company all the more enjoyable. I don't advocate that one should seek less-than-desirable emotions, but rather when they inevitably come around, that we embrace them with the knowledge that they make joy possible. They show us that we are alive, and aren't just stimulated brains in jars. 

I want to let my passions grab a hold of me. And while I won't let them stray me in wrong direction, I will embrace the feeling of spirit and of vivacity while I have it to enjoy. This doesn’t get thought of enough in the right context: you only life once.

Investment in a belief system

I am realizing how much I have invested into this current scheme of thinking. I have spent so much time and put so much effort into establishing this set-up, that I am worried for my goal to be open-minded. I want to be able to be influenced by my daily life and to compare each day with this project I am working on. I don't want it to be static but ever evolving, but that is hard to do. I know that any big ideas have the potential to overturn this scheme, and I will be at a loss. All of this I have already completed will need to be modified, and I had enough trouble getting any ideas the first time.

I want to be open to influence, but I don't want what I hear to flip me on end. I want life to go according to this plan I have established because I can' t imagine starting over again if one piece doesn't fit. I have this idea where I write a book on what I am thinking, and if this all goes down the tubes, then so does this project. It is quite an unusual instance of a very common predicament. I am holding onto something because I fear that which change may bring to it, but this is also supposed to be something particularly open to change and responsive to that which doesn't fit. I would be a hypocrite to not accept the change that I preach, but still I am uncomfortable with the notion of loosing what I've done so far.

Where this plays out is in my interactions with other people regarding their Meanings. I want to be accepting of that which they've established as their Meanings, but I also just want these to fit into my own creation so that I don't have to deal with anything new. So I ask people for their responses to my work hoping for nothing more than happy encouragement. And so far that has been the majority of it, but that has no indications for the future.

That said, if I could establish a "more true" set of beliefs, I would be willing to start from scratch, because I wouldn't be starting from the beginning. Parts of what I have can definitely be reapplied and redone to fit the new casting, but it still means a lot of work. But that's life, and that's how I like it. What fun would this be if it were straightforward?

Passion

One thing I do know is that if you don't have something to live for, then you don't have a direction to head for. And, that is tough. Now, it is one thing to live -- to go through the flow, make a few choices, and see where you end up -- , it is another to live passionately -- to act thoughtfully, to love what you do and to do what you love.

Living can be taken in either of these two ways, but they don't end up in the same place. One is passive, it is reactive, and it fails to strive and succeed. The other has so much potential. I want to live passionately and put myself fully into everything I do, and I don't see why that couldn't be possible. If you make the decisions that lead to you living out what you want to be, then why can't you love everything that you do. The good comes with the bad, obviously, but love fixing the problems because each error is potential for change. It lends itself towards new opportunities, and why not make it fun? Passion is a strong emotion, and it is emotions that make us humans. They give us drive, they move us onward and attach us to that which we find important. Embracing passions gives us the chance to live more fully and to make our lives more than simple computations of input-outputs and a string of decisions. They are embodiments of our interests and our purposes as we promote our passionate intensity.

The purpose here is not in a romantic sense, but instead of all of our actions that ever so frequently pass as mundane occurrences. Those things happen for a reason, and either come to grips with the reason or find a way to change it. Don't live with that which you cannot bear, or at least don't accept it as a given if it can at all budge.

I want to "burn out bright"as Switchfoot puts it, and why not make a difference while I'm at it?